My First Lecture

In preparation for my first lecture, I had to go through a crash course on transformative learning with ATF last Friday. For those of you who are totally clueless, ATF was 2008's ultimate male hang-up. 

* Here's a confession: ATF is a prof. He was my prof and thesis mentor during undergrad and my first term of grad school, and will still be my prof (and hopefully thesis mentor again) next term. 

It's a bit tricky especially now that we're colleagues, but I promised myself to break free from the shackles of the hang-up for 09. However, in the hour of training we had (fortunatley, G, my great gal pal who is also a prof was there), I'd just like to say that it is unbelievable how he keeps changing my life (Oh I am so hoping that my students would never get a hold of this blog and read this post). The guy is BRILLANT! I don't think I've ever met any guy who comes close to how intellectually stimulating he is. Anyway, enough about him...

As always, I had to wake up at 4:30 am to prepare (as in beauty preparation) for the 8am class. I wore a satin turqoise off-shoulder blouse, black capris, and gold greek-style sandals (nope, not gladiators). I started the class with a quiz (yeah I know, evil right!). Since it's a global studies course, I require the students to log on to the BBC website every Sunday and read two articles. The first would be the main news front page of the day, while the second would be the news front page for Asia-Pacific. I got yesterday 's question from the main page article and my question was "What did the Israeli Defense Forces leave on the Gaza Strip, and what are its contents?" Don't get me wrong, the BBC articles are relatively short, and my maximum sentence requirement is three (so if they are able to hit the mark in one sentence, they are very free to do so), so I'm a bit surprised with how the results turned out. 

Only four out of five students got the answer. I was looking for the following keywords: fliers/leaflets/pamphlets and warning. Ironically, the first sentence of the news article reads:

"Israel has dropped leaflets on the Gaza Strip warning residents that it is to escalate its military action." :(

Other answers ranged from telling me how many Palestinians died, what sort of weapons were launched... there was even a student who answered, "The IDF left nothing but destruction." There are all valid answers yes, but they missed the point of the question. I already printed a copy of the article onto a transparency and would discuss this matter with them tomorrow at the beginning of the class. 

On the brighter side, I was able to go through the discussion smoothly - they were attentive and quiet (it was also a bit awkward cause one of my classmates during undergrad is now my student), and I had no difficulties controlling the class. They also participated and gave good input, I ended the class showing them a video animation on globalization, which should've presented the concept in a more entertaining and simple manner. 

Tomorrow is graded recitati0n day, and I'm looking forward to seeing my class again!:D

G: "The unicorn is the unicorn is the unicorn."

As G says, the unicorn symbolizes the unattainable - it is a myth.

This is quite embarassing for me, considering my numerous attempts to "forget" my own unattainable unicorn, but last night I faced the harsh reality that sometimes there are just certain people and situations that you could never forget. He was, is and would be around for the foreseeable future, and I've no choice but to deal with it. Arriving at this realization was hard. Articulating it is even harder. Deciding how to act - now this is the hardest.

As Professor Bird (my adorable Brit econ prof over at Tufts) would say, "Economists are simple-minded folk. They can't deal with a lot of choices, so mostly they categorize everything into two." Thus, my two options:

1) The more stupid and likely: To keep hanging on amidst knowing that there would never be anything. Stick around and settle for what is existing, while secretly hoping that one day all would change.

2) The "best", most difficult, and highly unlikely (knowing me): To respect principles and stay away. Move on without looking back.

God help me find the strength to push through with option number 2.

The unicorn is unattainable.

It is a mythical creature.

It could be seen just in the imagination.

Never mine. Never thine. Never ours.

This is starting to kill me.

I've got to walk away.

Holiday OMG

OMG.

After two months of physical disappearance, I shall be facing this lifetime's ultimate male hang-up on Thursday.


Inhale.
Exhale.

Susan Miller, you better be right with your Gemini's December forecast! 
What to wear. What to say. How to act.
Fudge.

OMFG (the continuation)

final stretch of hell week + girlfriend in need = 2 hours of sleep + rushing to William Hall sans blowdrying

Rewind to about two weeks and a half ago...
*over YM

IB: How to deal with Franco... (the apathetic guy I relentlessly "tormented" in highschool)
W: What about Franco???
IB: I'm really confused... why now? I mean he's been dead in my little black book for centuries!
W: I think you confuse guys more than they confuse you! Hahahahaha!
IB: Me? I've always been very direct W. It's just effing annoying when these guys refuse to spit out a clear, direct, and simple "yes" or "no". It saves so much time. 
W: Uh oh! I've heard that line from you before...
IB: What line???
W: The this-is-the-beginning-of-a-new-challenge-for-me-to-conquer line!
IB: Well, now that you've mentioned it...
W: Sh*t.
IB: Fudge. Why am I programmed this way??? Venus knows how hung up I am on ATF! Try reading blogs W, and you'll discover that there are lots of men out there who get their kicks out of messing with women's heads!
W: Chill. Forget ATF. Wait are you still with Charming?
IB: Next question please.
W: OMG! Charming + ATF and now + Franco! You are a goddess indeed! LOL!
IB: It isn't funny. It's driving me crazy! Don't ever ever do what I'm doing!
W: I won't. It's just wifey (not W's actual wife, but her gf of 2 years) for the rest of my life... Just delete all the guys in your phonebook! I mean it's the only solution!
IB: Of course it isn't! I could just stop you know.
W: SO WHY DON'T YOU?
IB: I will W, I will.
W: WHEN?
IB: When I get what I want.
W: Sh*t. You and your intellectual challenges. You should marry an encyclopedia. I could hook you up with ours... theyre in the library somewhere...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night (or morning... I think it was around 2am)
*over the phone

W: Do not kill me.
IB: Why would I want to do that? We're family!
W: I need your advice.
IB: Fire away niece...
W: Our class went out of town the other night. Wifey couldn't make it.
IB: Ok, perhaps she has a valid reason so...
W: It's not that! You know how I am... you know I love to flirt.
IB: But of course, we're family remember hahaha!
W: Hahaha! I flirt with EVERYONE. Regardless of gender! Sometimes I would even squeeze K's (W's gay friend) ass!
IB: That's... nice? Ok. Who is the new girl?
W: Hahaha!
IB: Spit it out! Who is she? Is this thing like official?
W: No. Not official. Let's call her Fergie. She's a close friend. I would annoy her and flirt with her and she would always be "No!"..."Eeew W!" But wifey was away, and I got drunk and...
IB: Fudge. Alcohol never fails to screw things up!
W: I know! So I had to take a shower, cause Fergie didnt like the reek of alcohol. 
IB: Huh? I don't get it.
W: I promised her I'd sleep beside her that night!
IB: YOU SL*T!
W: Hahaha! I know - we're family remember? It was harmless at first... you know I love doing this! So anyway, I got into the bed and her back was facing me... I started messing her hair... then after awhile she reached out and held my hand...
IB: Oh how sweet!
W: And I don't know what happened but... when she held my hand... my heart started beating fast!
IB: DUH! It's the moment W.
W: But nothing happened.
IB: *facepalm* Oh-kay! So if nothing happened... what do you need my advice for?
W: I want her.
IB: Oh. Oh. OH!!!
W: Hahaha!!!
IB: Want her as in want her? Or want her as in like her?
W: I don't know!
IB: And wifey?
W: I don't know... Sh*t! I want them both! This sucks! We got to talk about it, and we both know it's wrong. And we both agreed to do what we have to do. But... it's still open you know... I mean... I am trying hard to be a good person, but the want for Fergie is already there! It's killing me! That's why I can't tell her to stop - cause I want it too.
IB: Fudge. Think W. Is she worth losing wifey for? This may just be a phase... only you know the answer.
W: I do. But what should I do about it?
IB: As your friend, you know what my answer is. But if you really want this - then make things clear. If you just want her, tell her. Straight out. Don't mess with her emotions. Don't give her false hopes. If she's up for it then you'll just have to face the consequences afterwards. If she isn't, as in  she wants more - as in a relationship, and you know you can't give her that then stop. End it. End it CLEARLY. TELL HER "FERGIE, LET'S STOP THIS CAUSE THIS IS NOT RIGHT." Make everything clean and clear!
W: Wow. I smell bitterness.
IB: Haha. Funny.
W: Don't kill me. But she already told me what she wants - we talked about it yesterday. And even if she didnt admit it I already knew... from the moment we held hands...
IB: And???
W: She likes me. No. She more than likes me. She has feelings for me. Deeeeep feelings.
IB: OK! Time's up! Exit is this way please...
W: Wait! On a lighter note, aren't you proud of how good a flirt I am?
IB: *eyeroll* of course. We're faaameeelee!
W: What can I say, I learned from the best. Hahaha! Oh how's ATF?
IB: Flushed him down. W, I think... I'm beginning to like Franco...
W: Nah, I think you already do.
IB: Fine!!! I like him ok!!! But we're talking about you! So what did you tell Fergie after that?
W: That I like her too. I really do. 
IB: OMFG
       No!
       No!
       No!
W: We are in deep sh*t!
IB: We are indeed.

OMFG

No!
No!
No!


W (part of my highschool clique): We are in deep sh*t!
IB: We are indeed.

To be continued...

Pseudo-sober Self Cross-examination

Eff. I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache, and I was too much of a slug to get my ass over at the Ministop downstairs for my morning coffee. As a result, I'm in no mood to work today - sure. Heck, maybe later (Vinz is dropping by and I asked him to bring over some caramel frappe in exchange for tuna sushi *thank God for Vinz; seriously wonder how grad school would be in the following terms without him*.)!

no coffee = cerebral hang

*advertisement* MW just texted.
ANDRE THOMAS R. CONFIADO! What are we going to do with you??
*takes deep calming breaths*

3-2-1...
Oh-kay!  

G2: So ano tuloy pa ba?
Hell yeah! But as an afterthought - tuloy ang alin? Meron pa ba dapat ituloy? Was there really anything to begin with? Intellectual stimulation much. 

As Jive: I'll always over-analyze.

As a person: I've always known the answer.

As a plant: I'd rather photosynthesize.

As a G: Who cares about the answer - it is the inevitable. 

G1: We'll show ATF .
Oh we will. I think I've accepted the fact that this will take a long while. I might as well try to sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the flight.

Today I reset to day 1.

Shucks. Why do I have to be sooo Gemini?

Blow Hot and Cold

  -idiom [blō hät ənd kōld]
1. to favor a thing at one time and treat it coldly at another.
2. to appear both to favor and to oppose.

Oh yeah.

White Flag

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
-Dido, White Flag






Ironic how the first post (used to rant&rave in Multiply) is about an ending.

Normally, I'm not the type of girl who takes 'no' for an answer. I'm also not the type who easily gives up. I know what I want and I'd do whatever it takes to get it. Normally.

90 something days.
I walk away - cool, composed, somewhat victorious - only to be pulled back.
Now he walks away.  Suddenly. Silently. Completely victorious.

My ultimate fiasco.
So much for beauty, intellect, and charm.
Ego twice crushed.
Major sexual heartbreak.