Whole Again (a sincere ty to the college ex)

It was the Good Friday of 2006 when it ended.

There I was struggling through the sand, going after one of my girls who was crazily arguing with her bf. Two days in Montemar - I did everything half-heartedly. I wasn't enjoying the beach, the sun, the food... how could I have fun when my "happiness" was two-hours-by- plane away? I was trying so hard to catch up with my right hand busily texting, while the other was tightly grasping "The Art of War", which I've been reading earlier that day. We finally got to the restaurant. My thumb was wildly punching the keys of my hot pink moto razr while T and P hissed on...

1 new message from *****

It's over. Stop calling or texting me. Don't make this hard for us.

I think I dropped the phone. I think I screamed. All I can remember was that T and P stopped arguing and stared at me.

"Oh my God. He... he... broke up with me. Through text."

I wanted to drown myself. I wanted to jump out of our cottage window. I wanted to drink the bottle of clog buster from the bathroom. I didn't sleep for the rest of our stay in Montemar. The stupid bus played a compilation of sad and cheesy heartbreak songs for four fucking hours. I was dying. I was dying. I was dying.

The stream of hot tears lasted for the rest of that summer.

The present: two years after the dirtiest break-up in my 21-year history.

I left him a message through YM last night. "Hey, grad ka na ba? :)"

Nothing. It's been that way for quite some time now. My mind suddenly dragged me back to the first day of our first term in second year, when we faced each other for the first time.

We were walking towards LS.

"You're awfully quiet. Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Like what?"

"Uh, I don't know... how about sorry?"

"I was going to... ayan ka nanaman eh lagi mo kong inuunahan."

"What happened? To us?"

"I think it's best for me to keep the reason to myself."

Figuring it out drove me mad.

mad = anger = mad = crazy

One of our friends told me he once said,

"How could I love her again if she's making me hate her?"

I've always been the fighting type.

I was so different then. Two years ago... feels like "The Land Before Time".

It's been awhile since I've moved on, but I never got the chance to give "closure" to that episode of my life, which was 1/3 responsible for turning me into the person I am today.

Whole again.

Thank you.

This post isn't meant to embarass you, or make people hate either one of us...

Thank you.

It's too late for apologies, and apologies would get us nowhere anyway.

Thank you.

I mean it.